Sometimes the years before I had kids feels like a million years away, but it was only four years. FOUR YEARS. I feel like that girl was so different, and writing that makes me sad. I think it’s true that it’s sort of easy to get lost in motherhood and forget yourself. The adventurer becomes the person who likes to stay close to home, the relaxed zen becomes a frazzled mess.
Part of it is financial for sure. Suddenly, you are supporting children, probably living in a bigger house and not a one bedroom apartment and have childcare costs. Another part of it is just pure survival. The idea of me jetting off to Australia on my own with two kids would be way to much to handle. So I don’t.
Yes, I miss that and I’m not going to feed you some garbage like but every day with my kids is worth giving up all those adventures. Those adventures were FUN FUN FUN. And everyday with my kids is hard work. Every morning when I get my kids ready I reach a breaking point where I just want to have a meltdown in the corner.
BUT life is about changing and adapting and learning. I have learned a lot about myself over these past few years that I never would have if things had stayed the same. I love my children and most of the time it’s great. Having children forced me to look at my career choices and make some big choices for the better. I’ve met a lot of great people because I have children.
And I finally feel like I’m entering a stage in my life where I can start to see glimpses of my old self again. My kids are sleeping through the night (well, Alex usually still wakes up once but it’s not long) and I’m able to function a little better. I’m becoming a bona-fida business woman with clients and systems and revenue. We are going on more adventures, albeit close to home (see yesterdays post). I sometimes read a magazine while my kids play and only cause minor injury to each other. I signed up for tennis lessons. I started wearing makeup AND perfume again. I’m throwing out or getting tailored all those ill-fitting clothes that make me look like I’m wearing someone else’s outfit. I feel like I’m becoming me again.
I won’t be the same girl as before, I never could be and that’s a good thing. But, I feel like she’s coming back to say hi five and give me a hug and a congratulations for being awesome.
So, if you sometimes look at your clothes and think what the hell am I wearing and when will this get better and I can’t even remember who I used to be and I want to learn tennis…. know that spitting up 30-40 times a day won’t be forever and some day you will be able to manage to get make up on (if you want) and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I worry a lot about writing stuff that’s too personal and this is one of those times. (will people think I’m ungrateful? shallow for wanting to wear nice clothes?) But, whatever. I would have wanted to read this four years ago so there you go.
I love paper! And these are beautiful and local.
Mother’s day is coming up and this is an easy and pretty way to give some grocery store flowers.
I thought this was pretty funny (and correct! He should take on an Essex accent next 🙂
I know I’m always linking to her recipes, but this is why.
Cutesie locally made dolls, barrettes and hair bands.