OK, yes, I was in a bit of a bad mood when I wrote this but it’ll be funny in a few years – right? These all happened to me…
Your child will always be attracted to: toilet brushes, playing in the toilet water, tipping over the garbage can, remote controls and chewing on shoes.
Just as you fall asleep one of your kids toys will go off and you’ll hear barking or beeping somewhere in the distance. You think it will go away but it… will… not…
Your kid finally sleeps in on the day you have to get them up early.
Your child finally falls asleep in their car seat on a long journey…. just as you arrive.
Your child will reach out to grab their diaper only when it’s full of poop.
You will go on holiday and either you or your child will get sick.
You will blame everything on teething… from drool to sleepless nights. Those damn teeth!
If you have multiple kids they will all poop at the same time. And it will leak.
Your child will only like the toy your other kid is playing with.
The wipes will run out just when you have to change a poo explosion. You will have the diaper off, wriggling legs in one hand, and the empty box in the other. Empty box will be thrown on the floor in disgust.
You will finally make a date to leave the house and have some adult time. Your kid will have a fever/refuse to go to bed/vomit all over your ‘fancy clothes’.
You kid will poop in public the day you decided to chance it and not bring the diaper bag. There will be a huge line up as you try to pay, your credit card will not work, there will be a bunch of cool people in line behind you and it will be stinking hot.
You will never drink a hot drink or eat warm food for the first six months of your child’s life.
Suddenly day drinking makes much more sense than night drinking when you just want to crawl in bed and wither.
Eating out has been reduced to a main dish only. And you reserve for 5:00.
Suddenly 7:30 is sleeping in.
Silence with the kids is not a peaceful time but a time to run like hell and see what they are up to.
You will promise yourself you won’t allow your kid to watch too much TV. Two years later he has his own Netflix profile.
You too? What did I miss?